What Happened?

Good grief! It's August already. Where have I been? Where have you been? What's happened to the crops and livestock? I tell you, the last thing I remember was falling off the bar stool down at my local hostelry, the Hope and Anchor, where I had been sampling some special Christmas scrumpy with my good friend the Proverbial Farmer Giles.

I have my trusted friends down on the farm to thank for bringing me up to speed after my enforced period of extended hibernation. I understand it was quite a dismal Spring anyway, so I can be excused for sleeping through. Apparently, a lot has been happening in the farm and village. The big news is that the mayor, Petorius the Great, has announced his retirement from the village council! Everyone is agog, and there was fervent following of the ensuing little local power struggle- hoes at dawn, the night of the long rakes, until a winner emerged, the owner of the village fete's Aunt Sally stall. Hold on to your coconuts!

Rumours are beginning to circulate down at the water trough that there is in existence a life-sized and almost life-like portrait of the soon-to-be-retired mayor. Requests for donations towards a leaving present have been circulated through the giant electronic message machine, with a little joke that a carriage clock might be on the cards. The last thing I would want is a clock once I've retired, especially an ornate monstrosity that would be a forever reminder of how little imagination or regard my colleagues had for me. A stuffed cow with udders in the form of a Newton's cradle would be original and would tell me that my colleagues really understood me, although I would have to get the mantelpiece reinforced and find another place for the clock. Hopefully more news before I go into hibernation again or unceremoniously get marched off the farm and exiled to the next village down the road.